I don’t want to

I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to be alone in this world. I don’t want to wake up alone and walk out of my room knowing that you won’t be here. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to wake up and lie in my bed knowing that when I am sick I have to take care of myself. I don’t want to grow up. I want to be loved so badly. I want to be taken care of. I need someone to take care of me. I need someone to catch my soul.

I don’t want to grow up, I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to know that I am alone. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to take all the responsibilities in life. I don’t want to have people shouting at me saying that I am incompetent. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to face everything that is in front of me without having someone to support me from behind. I don’t want to grow up.

I have thought that I can be strong and independent when I was younger. I told myself that I do not need anyone and I can walk my path no matter how lonely things can be. I told myself that being alone is so much better than being with someone else who doesn’t understand me and my thoughts and everything little about me that is wrong. I thought I could do it but I don’t want to anymore. I am so tired of being alone and standing up alone when everything is falling apart. I am so tired of being the strong and unemotional one because I don’t react to anything that has happened. I am always the one who won’t cry because I have a heart as hard as a rock but I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t cry because if I do, everything will be in pieces and no matter how little help I might be, I am holding the pieces together and I won’t let go. I won’t let go and that doesn’t mean I am unemotional and that I am strong. I am as weak as you can possibly think of but I can’t tell you because you will be in pieces.

I love you too much to see you in pieces.

I don’t want to grow up because I want to be by your side, forever and ever. I don’t want to grow up because I can’t imagine not having you by my side. I don’t want to grow up because I am growing up and I am realising all the things I can do without you and I don’t want my life to go on without you. I want you to be important in my life and I don’t want to do so many things without you. I don’t want to grow up because as long as I am still a child you will always be here for me. I don’t want to grow up because if I do, I will leave you and I can’t do that. I don’t want to leave you. I love you. I love you so much it hurts me. I love you so much that when you build your happiness on my scars and tears and pain, I didn’t flinch and I will not flinch. I will not say anything about the pain you have put me through because I love you too much. I love you so much I am hurting myself and I am suffocating myself and I don’t care at all. I don’t mind crying for you because I love you.

The pain is unbearable but it’s okay because I love you. The pain is insufferable and intolerable but it’s okay because I love you.

I don’t want to grow up no matter how much I want to grow up. I don’t want to grow up even though the only thing I wish to do and have is to run away from everything. I don’t wan to feel like this. I am so scared.I am so afraid.

I don’t want to be scared.

What should I do?

I need someone to love me.

Most importantly, I need someone to love you when I am not around anymore.

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