I wonder

I am still looking for the person in me. I don’t really know who I really am and sometimes I am just as lost as the others. I may have told the world that I am really sure about all the things that I have been doing up to now, but sometimes, I will stop and wonder who I am.

I have always walked my life carefully and I made sure I made as little mistakes as possible. But to think about it, I had taken all the fun things that could have happened in my life away because I had made everything to be perfect so that there wouldn’t be any mistakes. I had planned very carefully the things that I would do in my life even though I still am not sure where I am supposed to go after this. It is so hard for me to imagine myself as an independent person, standing there on the stage and looking at all the people around me. I have always wished that the spotlight can be on me but I am scared at the same time too. I am scared of all the mistakes that I would make while people are looking and focusing on me. I am scared that I may not be good enough for all the people around the world. I am scared that I am too average and that I am never going to be special enough. So, I planned to live a perfect life. I lived my life so carefully and I made sure all the things I did for myself were the right things and sometimes I didn’t even care about my own emotions because I believed that I could handle all the pain that will come as the consequences as long as the benefits were there, I was fine with it. I danced through the pain in the rain with a smile on my face, and it didn’t matter to me whether my smile is genuine or not, as long as I smiled, everything was fine because everyone would have thought that I was fine and being fine in the eyes of everyone else was the only thing that I really cared about. I was scared, but I put up a straight face just to hide the emotions that I was feeling. I was sad, but I smiled to everyone just to show the world that nothing can break me down.

I don’t understand why I did all of those. I don’t understand why I need to be perfect. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to accept the fact that I am not perfect and I have to live with the pain of not being good enough. I don’t understand why I am so nervous when I have to do something and the things that are usually bothering me are I am not good enough and I don’t deserve to live the way the world is living because I am just not good enough to breathe. I need someone, so desperately, I need someone to tell me why am I so scared of breathing and living and moving on? I need someone to answer all my questions of doubt.

I need someone to answer my silly questions because just maybe, I would feel better if I have answers but who could I possibly ask? No one would give me an answer I wish to hear because I already have the answers with me, just that it is so hard for me to listen to my answers because they are not always pretty.

I am contradicting and I find myself really annoying. That is why, the people that I love do not deserve to have someone as wrecked as me in their lives.

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