Tears and Fears

I love talking to you more than anyone else in this world. I love being in the silence between us when we did nothing but enjoy each other’s presence. I love walking with you and listening to the stories you have to say. I love the times when we both had to find a place and sit and we couldn’t find one, so we would just lean on anything and laughed. I love the way you smile, the half smile that you always wear when we talked about things in your past. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you walk in the mall, walking in between the lines. I love the way we were when we were together. I love the idea of us. Slowly, gradually, without me noticing, I fell in love with your soul.

I didn’t want to love you because you were unreachable. I didn’t want to love you because it felt like a crime, it felt so wrong. I didn’t want to love you because it seemed as if you didn’t love me at all. I didn’t want to love because you were so far away. I didn’t want to love you because we didn’t seem to have a chance. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t not love you. I couldn’t tell myself that I would be fine while erasing the bits of memories we had, the little time we spent together in the past. I couldn’t be okay when I tried to write down everything about you that I missed in a book. I thought things would be better if I wrote down everything but it didn’t, it became worse instead because I kept on reminding myself that I loved you and I couldn’t let you go in my life.

Then, you brought a girlfriend back. You brought her back and my heart froze. I was devastated and I told myself that I hated you. I hated the way I loved you so much yet you chose her. I would walk through fire and hell for you. Yet you chose her. I remembered the day when you looked at me and told me you liked me the way I did. I couldn’t breathe when she was there. I couldn’t breathe. But I smiled and I laughed with her. My heart and my soul were taken away by you at that very moment but my whole thought was dedicated to being rational. I did things like how I would always do, I took away the part of me that could feel all the emotions in the world and I forced myself to dance with him with his hand holding on to another girl. I looked at him and smiled. I thought everything was going to be okay until I broke down after a few days, realizing that my heart was in pieces.

I thought I would forget you if I date someone else. It was fine until you stood in front of me, again. I forgot about him and all I could remember were the happy moments I had with you. I couldn’t be bothered with the sad ones and all I wanted was to relive those moments with you. I was terrible and hence when he broke up with me, I thought I deserved it, because I still love you.

Memories fade but not you. I miss you and I always will. I love you and I always will. You are leaving to a place so far for your studies while I am still here, working on my dreams. You are leaving and all I do is cry when there is nothing in between us anymore. I hate it when you say that I am someone special but you never treated me as someone special. So, I cry. I cry because I will never know what I am to you. I cry because you are not coming back and I am leaving to another part of the world. I cry because we are all growing up. I cry because I am watching you walking away from me. 

I cry because I love you no matter what. I cry because you are not coming back. I cry because I am losing someone who I fell in love with his soul. I cry because you are perfect and I would never find anyone like you.


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