Imperfections

Sitting alone in my room, looking at myself typing away on the keyboard, once again wishing I would be given another chance to start over again. I wish to be someone else than me. I wish to be a better person than me. I wish to achieve more. I look at myself in the mirror, cursing myself for being so incompetent, blaming myself for all the things that I couldn’t do. I wish so hard that I would be given another chance to start all over again, I want to be better. I don’t want to live my life as it is now, I want to be better than who I am now. I can’t breathe every time I look at myself in the mirror. I am nothing. I am nothing, just nothing. I have nothing at all. I am useless. I don’t even deserve to breathe this air that is given to me. I hate myself for the incompetency that I am having and I definitely hate myself for being me. I don’t want to look at myself and hate myself but I can’t help it. I am so useless and I am nothing at all. I need to make a change and I need to make myself crazy. I can’t let the world stop me from being me. I need to fight my way through fire and hell and I need to force myself out of my comfort zone. I can’t continue on like this. I need to be better.

My imperfections are killing me. My incompetencies are killing me. I need to improve. I need to move on to a higher level. Let me go away, let me disappear into the background and when I appear again, please, I need to be better than who I am now. I don’t care how hard things can be, I don’t care how exhausted I will be, I need to be perfect because my imperfections are killing me. 

This is crazy and this is impossible. This is insane and this is going to eat me alive, but I will do it. My determination in being perfect must be stronger than before. I need to be who I am and I need to be motivated to a higher level. I don’t care about the exhaustion that is going to eat me alive. I will survive all this mess and I will wake up to another day.

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