Good Morning, Sunshine

Good morning, sunshine, honey, love, darling, sweetie.

Good morning, all those possible words of affection.

Why do I wake up these days and find myself hating myself more than I ever have? Why do I look at the morning sky and curse at myself for having slept so much when all I want to do is sleep because sleeping is the only way for me to run away from what is really happening in front of me? Why do I cry when there is no reason for me to cry? Why do I hate myself so much?

I am devastated to a state where I can no longer breathe properly. There is a huge weight, just pressing down on me, telling me that I am nothing and that I have achieved nothing in my life. The weight is pressing me on my heart and I know very well that I have to do something to help myself but the weight is burdening me on my shoulders, pressing me down and deep and pushing me into the darkness of the abyss. I can’t find my way and I am so scared of being lost in the maze. I try to find my way, running and chasing my shadows, wanting to be helped so badly but I can’t find a way out. I have tried to throw away my emotions and not breathe, I have tried to focus all my energy on the one thing that I have wanted. I have tried so hard and yet I have not. 

I told myself that I have tried but in actual fact, I have not. 

I hate myself. I hate myself so badly that I don’t want to look in the mirror anymore. I don’t want to see the girl in the mirror who wishes to be pretty and beautiful. I don’t understand the shallowness that I have had in me all this while. When I look at him, the person that I have loved, I really wonder, why am I next to nothing when compared to him? 

The reality hits like a wicked witch. Telling me I am not pretty, telling me I am not beautiful, telling me I am not smart, telling me I am never going to be good enough. I am never going to be good enough, I am never going to be as smart as I wish to be, I am never going to be as beautiful as I hope to be and I am never going to be as pretty as I want to be. I am never going to be good enough, I am never going to be good enough because I am never going to be good enough. I hate myself for saying never and I hate myself for hating myself. I hate myself for not trying hard enough. I hate myself for not being good enough. I hate myself for not being pretty enough. I hate myself for not being skinny enough. I hate myself for not being fit enough. I hate everything about myself and it hurts me to look at myself so I hate myself when I wake up in the morning because I have to face myself who is never going to be good enough.

Oh my, I need help. 

The weight, I can’t see it and I can feel it, on my shoulders, on my heart, and eating me away.

I hate myself, so badly I don’t feel pain on myself anymore.

Good morning, sunshine, honey, love, darling, sweetie. Let’s greet the day with a smile.

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