I don’t want to be your friend because we were perfect together once. I gave you my whole heart and you took it. You gave me a part of you, too. You loved me the way I needed to be loved and I loved you the way I would wish to be loved by you. I did not know for sure whether you would wish to be loved the way I have loved you but you never really say anything. We hardly talk. We are both comfortable in our silence and your presence would always soothe me, calm me and bring me out from my depression, my sadness and I loved you. I loved the way you would talk to me and I miss the way you would do your things and tell me talking to me is something that would take your mind off the things you had to do, which I brought you a bliss no one would.
I loved you so much, even when you left. You left for a purpose and you said you would be back. You said that you would be back and if I have moved on to another place for my dreams, you would be there because you would always find a way to be with me, to be where our dreams are. You have big dreams and you said that it could be accomplish and achieve with me and you hoped that I could be there in your dreams. I loved the way you phrased things, words, and sentences because all of them would touch my heart, the softest, the tenderest part of my heart. I loved the way you are and I waited for your return, even though you told me to not stop looking and loving because you would not be with me for quite some time. I said I would try, knowing deep down I would not, because no one would be as perfect as you were to me at the moment.
I waited for you, I did not know where to go, who to talk to during the nights when all my thoughts suffocated me and all I did was look through all our messages and I found peace there. I found peace in the words you had said to me. I would read them over and over and over again and I would never get tired of reading the things that you had written, or just replaying the memories that I have of you in my head, telling myself that you would be back really soon and no matter how hard things were then, I could pull it through and I did, in the end, without your physical presence but with your words and smiles in my head.
I moved to another city, to chase down my dreams and to hunt down the things we talked about. I waited for you but you never came back. You never came back. It hurt me. I was so hurt and I cried so badly when you left, this time for real, because I knew that you would never come back. You broke all your promises which I had held on to and you broke my heart that I had given to you. You never gave me back my heart, though. You kept it. I could not get it back from you no matter how hard I have tried to take it back. You would always have a piece of me no matter how hard I have tried to get it back from you.
I was vulnerable and yet I gave you my heart. Maybe that was just how love was to me. I gave you all the ability, all the power to destroy me, to tear me into pieces and I foolishly believed that you would not. But you did. You threw my heart on the ground from such height, it broke into pieces instantly and I was numb from the things you did to me. I stared at you, with all my strengths, hating myself for loving you so much. I was, and still am, a very sensitive and emotional person. I could not be judged or criticise and I hated it when people judged me. I hated it so much yet I opened myself up, all raw and naked to you. I showed you every piece of my emotions, trusting you to keep them safe, and yet, they all broke apart and I had to bend my knees down and collect them up and keep them in a jar, once again, so that no one would touch them. This time, I would hide them away, in a place so far away, in an abyss so dark that you would never, no one would ever, get near to my heart, my emotions, my vulnerability.
That was all I had to give and you broke it. Now, you would look at me and smile like nothing had ever happened between us and nothing was ever wrong. I would smile back, sincerely and genuinely, showing all my teeth. You would smile like you used to. But things are different for me. I could not get over the fact that I loved you. I could not get over the fact that you have moved past me so easily when I struggled to forget you. I could not. I just could not.
I don’t want to be your friend because being your friend, I need to have super human strength to wish you all the best but I can’t. I wish that your best could be with me and you would always be here for me like you used to. I don’t want to be your friend because I have loved you too much once and when you broke me, you gave me a fear for you. You made me scared of having you in my life because I wouldn’t know when would you decide to trample over me again because I would let you do so. You made me scared of the fact that you would walk away from me once again, as a friend and leave me vulnerable again. You made me so scared of all the things that would have crossed my mind when you talk to me. You made me scared of the fact that I would lose my dignity because I am not over you yet no matter what you have done to me. I hate it, I really hate it like this. I hate myself because I can’t get over you and I hate myself because I have lost all dignity.
Oh how I hate myself for loving you. How I hate myself for losing my dignity because of you.
I don’t want to be your friend. Because as your friend, I would lose myself.
I hate myself for this, too.