When Will I be Loved?

When I was younger, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be a performer. I wanted to sing in front of a crowd or dance on stage. I wanted to be loved by the crowd and I wished that people would cheer for me. When I was younger, I wanted to be a princess, like the ones in Barbie Doll, where she is loved and perfect. One day, my prince charming would come to me and we would live happily ever after. Those were my dreams when I was younger and these dreams still exist in me, even until today.

However, when I was growing up, I realise that I could not be like Barbie, because Barbie is beautiful and she is perfect. I was not, and I am not perfect still. Barbie is every girl’s dream, I wish to be like her, to look like her and to be as skinny as her. I would walk in front of my mother’s mirror, looking at my reflection and I hated what I was looking at. I was nowhere near skinny and I was fat, to a point where I was considered to be overweight and slightly obese. I hated what I saw in the mirror and my parents would encourage me and told me that looks were not important at all. I believed in them until a doctor told me that I would get sick very easily if I continued to be as big as I was. I was sad, but it was not as bad as when I walked into high school, my friends started teasing me and calling me names and it was painful. I wasn’t anywhere like Barbie. They would not call Barbie fat and they would never make fun of Barbie. Then, I threw away my happily ever after dreams. I no longer looked at the world with bright colours, with unicorns and everything that is happy, my world turned into black and white and all I could see was shades of grey.

That would be a very long story.

However, I met a guy, who brought a little bit of colour back into my life. I liked him, and when I fell for him, I saw what was behind the negativity that was shrouding me. It was a beautiful colour and I had missed all of it because of my ignorance. When he left, the colour that he had brought into my life expanded. I no longer depended on him for the beauty in life. I realised that there is just so much in the world. There is so many things in this world that could be appreciated. I do not wish to be a princess anymore, because being a princess I won’t be able to walk in the wild alone, listening to the music of nature, loving someone ordinary, not being told what to do and what not to do. I do not wish to be a performer on stage, even though I still love singing, I just wish to be a performer for the hearts of the people I love, the people that need my help. I don’t need to be in the centre of the world anymore because the world is beautiful in its way and if I were to be in the centre, I might condemn it. I don’t need to be the most important person in this world anymore. I don’t have the need to be loved by everyone anymore.

I don’t know when did I become like this. I am happy with a cup of coffee and a book in my hand, or a laptop where I would write down my thoughts, read through amazing articles, inspirational quotes or the latest news. I don’t know when did I become so intimidated by knowledge, by words and by peace. I don’t know when did I change so much into a person who live off in the silence and when I am with people, I love the silence they radiate.

When will I be loved again? It’s okay I am never famous, or never loved, as long as the peace that is now in within me stays, I will hunt down my dreams. 




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