Hmm, sweet

I love the taste of chocolate in my mouth. I love it when the taste spreads across my taste buds, making me want more of it. Then, I would have this constant battle with myself, telling myself that I should not eat more because of the calories but I would love to have more and I would be doing my assignments for the night and it is totally reasonable for me to get another chocolate. Then, I would take another chocolate, eating it slowly and tasting the sweet flavor on my tongue. The third one. I would have my battle again, wondering if I could break the rules today and take another chocolate. I would think about all the miles that I have run and all the hours I have spent in the gym just to get into shape. I don’t want to go off track again. It was really hard to get back into shape in college, especially when you’re doing a program where breathing is a luxury. There is no time to run as much as before and there is no time to count the calories that you are eating. The one thing that I do so often is stare at my textbook and wondering what is written there.  

I have to admit that I am not working very hard to aspire to get high marks for my exams. 

Looking and staring at the chocolate, maybe I should distract myself with something. I would take out my assignments and start typing away, hoping that I would forget the presence of the chocolate. I am very easily distracted, I would go onto Internet, just to check the naming of a specific organic chemistry, ending up reading through articles that have nothing to do with my college diploma program. I know this is terrible but I love to read so much and after joining this program, I have cut down so much of my reading time. I feel like there is never enough time for me to do so many things in my life. When I was younger, I read so many books while juggling my time between video games. Oh, I was an addict and I could sit there and play for an entire day without eating or going to the washroom. I don’t even drink! 

How I miss the days when I could wake up at 6 in the morning just to catch a show that I love. How I miss the days when I would sit in front of the TV and wonder how would I be able to get through the mission, fighting the boss of the game. How I miss the days when I would wake up in the morning to my mother who had already prepared breakfast for me and would give me all the things that I would love to eat. How I miss the days when weight is not important to me and all I did was eat whatever I felt like eating and growing fat is not a problem because my love for words and video games was more intense than the love I had for my friends, who I think never treated me as friends. How I miss the days when I would jump into the air, not worrying about anything. 

Here I am. 

Eating chocolate and worrying about the calories. What has growing up done to me? 

I have changed. I have lost weight and become a girl who could wear the clothes that she never could. I can now walk down the streets with my friends and laugh without looking onto the floor because of insecurity. I have walked out of the zone where I find comfort and dance on fire even though it hurts my feet. I have chosen to love instead of to love because there is nothing sadder in this world than to reflect hatred into your world. I have changed and I know that I have changed. I don’t know how did I change physically, even though I think I put on a lot of weight, but I know mentally, I have changed.  

I have grown up. 

Which I wish would never happen. 

There are things that still remain in me even though I have changed and I have grown up. There are things that will never change and will stay with me forever.  

I still love unicorns, as ridiculous as that would sound. I love the idea of unicorns because they are magical and I believe in magic. I believe that when you wish for something hard enough, you would get it because you are the energy. You emit energy to the Universe and when you believe in magic, it will come to you. I believe that the world is magical and that everything is born within magic. I still believe in love. I believe that people in this world are wonderful at heart and it is the pain that has changed us into someone else we don’t want to be. If there is nothing in this world that we would want for ourselves, and only ourselves, we would love each other and dance together everyday. I love to dance. I would still dance and sing in the shower or in the bedroom when no one is watching. I can’t do something too silly in front of my housemates but I would sing. I do not have perfect pitch but I would sing. I would always sing because singing is my passion and I have always to be a performer. I could not be a performer because I am not very good in a lot of things and even though I have said that I want to be performer, my passion still lies in medical field.  

I am a dreamer since young and I would never change that. 

I would dream on, endlessly, limitlessly, without boundaries. I am the girl who would write her dreams down and sing her dreams into words. I would dance and dance to the music of dreams. Hence, if I have a boyfriend to be my man, I would sing for his dreams, no matter what kind of dreams he has. I would sing and dance and listen to every word he has to say.  

I am still a little girl, in the end.  

I love sweets, chocolate, and you can get my heart by giving me cookie. Love is without boundaries, it will never get smaller. The more you give, the larger it will get and the more beautiful your world would be. Don’t complain and don’t speak. Just go with the flow and dance with music, be it pain or happiness, they are all reasons to dance to. Happiness, we celebrate; pain, we will think of a way to figure things out and it is okay to cry once in a while, or maybe if you are emotional, you can cry for anything you want. You deserve to do all the things that you desire to do without any limitations from anyone. You deserve to love and you deserve to be you and only you.  

I love everyone.  

The people that I look up to are the people who do not care about anything people say about them and they would live their lives the way they want to. They would do whatever they want and when they walk with their passions shining from their shadows, they would be the most amazing people.  

I love how your eyes shine. 

Oh, I just ate another chocolate. 

More to come into my tummy. 


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