Paradox

I have a statement, a proposition that is self-contradictory and it is definitely absurd but I am telling a truth. The truth lies within my contradictions, my undeniable facts and my undeniable desires, and lastly, my undeniable hate.

I walk on this Earth, loving every being, every life, and yet I have hated so strongly. I have nurtured hatred in me, so strong that it scares me at times, and yet I have claimed to love. I have nurtured love in me, believing that love can be stronger than hatred, yet I have let hatred take over my soul some days, shutting myself out from the world and look at the world with a pair of eyes so cold that they sink all love. I have loved, but never as much as I have hated. I have tried to throw all the pain away, trying to love, trying to forget the pain that was once caused, yet failing to do so. As soon as I was touched by the anger from the world, I give the love that I nurture to earth and keep the hate that I have.

I want happy endings, yet I have written stories where sad endings dominate my stories. No second thoughts, I cut off the hopes of the characters in the stories, twisting their lives and their emotions. I love the smiles that you have on your face, yet when you smile, I never look at you. I love listening to you talk about your stories, yet I would not ask you about the things that you have done. I am complicated, so you say, yet I would tell you that I am the simplest person in this world. I would tell you what I want and I would tell you what I desire to have, yet at the same time, I would want you to know about me without the need of me to tell you what I am really thinking.

I love to dance, yet you will never see me dance. I will dance in the shades where nobody is looking and I will dance in the arms of another, hoping that he will hold me close to him. I will dance on the floor with you, moving my way through the crowd, yet never dancing myself under the spotlight. I told you that I am not beautiful, yet I would think that I can be considered to be pretty. I would swing my arms around you and pretend that we can dance and at the same time, hate myself for asking you for a dance.

Oh you are beautiful and I would say that you are perfect in the eyes of a lady like me. You have the looks, the height, the body and you are smart, you speak like a gentleman and you carry yourself with pride. You are perfect in the eyes of a lady like me. Yet. I would never admit to you that I am attracted to you or that I am addicted to you. I do not know why I need to hold onto my pride like this. When you smile, I would look away and this is the way I do things. When I miss you, I would walk away, because I am the definition of a paradox. Now that you are gone, I told you that we will be friends until forever, yet I would want you to be more than friends.

There are moments and decisions that I have regretted making and I would not make them if I have the chance to relive the moments. I would not, because they are embarrassing moments and most of them are the times when I let myself dance in the loud music. We are all one and the same and I believe that when we dance, we are dissolving with the beats and becoming one with the music and hence I would dance with you throughout the day until dawn comes. You would not understand and I don’t think you would ever dance with me on the floor, because you are that composed and maybe that is one of the reasons why I am in love with you.

I have a statement, a proposition that is self-contradictory and it is definitely absurd that I am telling the truth.

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