This is not inferiority complex like what everyone thinks.

I do not have inferiority complex.

At least that is what I used to say.

I remember people telling me that I have issues with myself, with my abilities to accomplish something. I remember people telling me that I have to have more faith in myself. I tried. I tried to tell myself that I am good enough and that all improvements in life are inevitable and that I will gradually become better as time passes. I tried to look up high and I tried to smile so brightly, putting on a show because putting on a show means everything when you are afraid or when you are scared. I walk through the hallways of my college, saying that everything will be fine to my friends who broke down due to the pressure on us all. We have to carry a burden of being good enough to ourselves and the people who have expectations on us all. I tried to bring out the positive energy with a smile, a laugh and a hug. A hug which is longer than necessary. I would run across blokes of houses just to tell people that they are fine and they can make it through because we are good enough for all that is ours now. I would take extra measures to do things for the ones that I care for.

Just because I know.

I know how hard it is to feel small, to feel that we are not good enough. Sometimes this feeling is so overwhelming that it makes us cry ourselves to sleep, constantly feel small under the eyes of others. No matter how hard we have tried to convinced ourselves that we are not that bad, this feeling will always come back, haunting us in our sleeps and making us wide awake drowning in our thoughts, suffocating ourselves with darkness.

Just because I know.

I know how much it would mean to me when someone would ring the doorbell bringing me chocolates when everything seems to be breaking apart. I know how much it would mean for someone to look at me and understand what I am feeling and hugging me as if I matter to them. I know how terrible it is when you need someone to talk to, yet you can’t find anyone because the people you care do not seem to care about you at all. I know how terrible it is. I know.

Just because I know.

I know how it feels like to expect something from someone who you regard as important and he or she walks into the room and looks at you and wonder why you are sad when he or she has forgotten the one thing that you wish that they would do. These are not expectations or anything, they are something that you would do for them, because they are important to you and somehow, along the way, you are expecting the same, no matter how hard you try not to. It doesn’t work that way.

Just because I know.

Doesn’t mean I can pull it through all the time alone. Stretching my arms and hugging myself to sleep with tears and hoping that everything will be okay, hyperventilating through the thin air, breathing, trying, so badly, so hard, so persistent.

“You are different. You have a beauty in you that no one I met has. You are special, do you know that? Everyone just wants to talk to you, somehow. I don’t know how, people are attracted to you when they spend time with you.

You are so hard to approach. You smile, yet you seem so hard to get close to. People are afraid to talk to you, thinking that you might turn them away. And sometimes, you come across to being unfriendly. You don’t talk a lot. I don’t know whether you are pretty or not, because I can’t say much about your beauty since I have known you and your beauty is from within more. At first, I thought that you were proud and you thought that I was not good enough to be your friend. Now, I would spend my time talking to you, you are just different and you are very easy and nice to talk to and I like it.”

That’s what he said to me. A dear friend of mine and this is one of the best compliments I have received. I would tell him, maybe, one day, that I know, too, how it feels like when no one is listening to you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s