This Hate Will Stay Forever

When I say it, I mean it.

Love is so easy to say. I have written a letter of love to an amazing friend of mine. I wrote the letter with a kind of peace and love that can be found with a book and a cup of tea. That love is a love that I portray with my image. I bring it wherever I go and I would not let it go. I tell a handful of people, who are close to me and people that I am not strongly acquainted that I am the ‘love’ herself because I just think that this world needs a little bit more touch of love. I sincerely believe so. This world needs that touch of love.

But this hate will stay forever.

I am still a paradox, a contradiction. I tell the world that love is my energy and I will bring love wherever I go. I tell the world that there is love in me and there is minimum amount of hate in me. I tell the world that if they are upset of disappointed, they can come to me because love never ends and when you need help, I am always going to be there for you. Always, just because love never ends and I am ‘love’ herself. I embrace all the emotions in this world and I will never let negativity eats me. I walk into the face of negativity and walk out of it with pride and love.

But this hate will stay forever?

Yes, it will stay forever.

This hate that I have for myself. This hate that I keep in me. It will stay forever. I can’t, no matter how hard I have tried, I can’t love myself too much. I can’t love myself. I would look into the mirror and find this hideous girl staring back at me. I am not beautiful so you can’t call me that. I would touch the mirror image of myself, just to find that I don’t exist. I don’t know the reasons why I am always trying so hard. I don’t know. I really don’t. I am working really hard and yet there are times when everything just isn’t right anymore.
And I am the one who messes up everything.

When everyone is perfect, I am just here, breaking down piece by piece. I walk out of my room with a smile on my smile and thinking hard about all the positive things that I can say to others. It is hard but it is worth trying because everyone needs a smile everyday. I would text you and I would smile to you and I would say today is a good day because I believe so. But honey, what I believe is not always the things that I will do. My belief is so different from what I do. I know a lot of things, but that really, really doesn’t mean I can do a lot of things.

I hate myself and when I say this. I mean it.

I mean it. I hate the way I would laugh at the stupidest thing and when people look at me, I would get so embarrass. I hate the way that I would need to an answer to everything. I hate the way that I love staying in my bed and messing up my bed. I hate the me that would cry when things aren’t right. I hate the me that would text you in the middle of the night when you are not sleeping, just to see whether we are still connected or not. I hate the way that I would smile at the most random person and receive a hard stare. I hate the way that I would tell people I am fine when I am not. I hate the way that I get very jumpy and excited when I am nervous. I hate a lot of things about me. I hate the fact that I am not pretty enough, too. And this statement just shows how paradoxical I am when I tell others that looks does not matter at all. I hate the fact that I am severely attached to others. I hate myself. I really do.

Most importantly, I hate myself when I never try hard enough to achieve the things that I want.

When I look at you, I realize that you are perfect. You have given me so much motivation and from the deepest corner of my soul, I appreciate everything that we have gone through together. Be it pain or anything else. we have gone through some awkward time and it was hard for me to tell myself that I don’t love you. You obviously don’t think of me as a special someone anymore but I can’t blame you when I can’t even love myself. I really can’t.

This hate will stay forever.

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