13th December, 2014

She was standing at the door when I told her goodbye. I hugged her before she walked to the door. She had to go to college for her experiment for her research paper in Biology. I waved at her, thinking about how small she was when she hugged me. I wondered if I was just as small.

“I will be coming home no one later.” She said.

I looked at her. I could not tell her that I would be there, just like every other day because I was leaving.

“I miss you already.” I said softly.

“I miss you!”

It’s funny how life brings me here. I am now here thinking about what happened 10 minutes ago, completely overwhelmed by all the emotions that flow through me. I am thinking about him, the him that I did not get a chance to say goodbye properly before he went on a 20-hour flight, where the time difference is 14 hours. The reason why I did not tell him a proper goodbye was because of a stupid reason which I regret every now and then, especially when he told me he needed to see me before he left. I agreed but I was attending a conference at the same time and by the time I was back, it was a bit of a rush for us to make plans to meet up.

Timing is always bad for us.

I could have gone to the airport and sent him off but I didn’t. I chose to be ignorant and just sent him a text saying: “Safe flight, see you when I see you.” I was an idiot.

But to think about it now.

I think it might be better for us not to meet for goodbye.

Because then it would be a real goodbye and I would not have gotten a chance to listen to him say the things he never did say before.

Or maybe, I would have cried uncontrollably in front of him, and I would regret it for my entire life because he would think that I was not as strong.

That aside.

I can’t help but feel. The feeling inside me is so strange, so painful yet so beautiful. I don’t know how to put things into words very well and hence one of my goals in life is to write down my feelings, to describe them beautifully and to near perfection. I feel sad, yet happy, yet confused at the same time. I listened to her say: “You could stay with me.” for so many times during the last few days when she realized she had to stay for her experiment. I chose to ignore because I could not afford to change another flight ticket. We are just normal college students trying to survive in the IB programme. I told her I was sorry that I could not stay, to realize that I was leaving her.

And I told her that I would not leave her.

She said she would not leave me either.

We are so close together and even if we fight one day we will reconcile and we will be like before.

She is a person I never thought I would get so close to.

We are so different, yet so similar.

I wonder how much I can love her just the other day. The kind of love where a person loves another person without romantic interest. I look at her and think about the things she says and does and wonder how much I can love her. Today, I realize that my love for her, or for anyone in this world, cannot be quantified.

Love is larger than infinity.

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