There was once when I told my boyfriend that I wasn’t sure if people liked me for who I really was, or that they liked me for the person that I chose to be. I made an assumption that said people liked my presence, but not me. He asked me why, and I answered because I had chosen to be a person that everyone was seeing, and hence it was a presence, and that it wasn’t me at all. My boyfriend kept quiet for a while and asked me:
“So you are blaming the world for liking your presence and not you because of the choice that you have actively made?”
He was right.
We didn’t continue talking about this as he fell asleep. I was left baffled as I thought back about my choices and the way I felt about the world.
My boyfriend is the kind of guy who takes things on surface, and always point out things or arguments blatantly. I like him this way because he makes me see certain things clearer by pulling me out from the abyss of my thoughts. It does hurt, sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer a painful truth rather than a beautiful lie. However, that particular conversation makes me wonder about myself, about our relationship, and my true personality.
I was definitely an introvert. I didn’t like being around people and I often felt uncomfortable being around my friends. I never went out with my friends, because it was a burden to me. I liked my time spent alone, due to incidents that happened when I was stepping into my teenage years. Maybe I had exaggerated a lot of events and emotions, but it tore me apart when I was much younger. Nevertheless, I was a big fish in a small pond. I was acknowledged by the teachers and the elders around me for my intelligence and maturity. I wasn’t loved by my peers, but I was adored my people of older age. I moved to a city and slowly I became a small fish in a big pond. I knew for a fact that I had to open myself up, no matter how uncomfortable I might feel, to continue the path to success. I did it. I was able to throw myself out into the world and now, I am able to walk into any social events and be the extrovert of the event.
No matter what changes I had induced in me, I never really changed.
I am awkward and negative. I don’t like people coming too close or too near to me because I feel terribly vulnerable. I don’t let people near my heart and my thoughts, which are concealed behind an energy that I boosted up most of the time. Yet, I get attached too easily once I believed that I could trust a person, and it always hurts me whenever I am left behind, though I never learn from mistakes. I know that I am one of the most difficult people that you would ever meet in your life, and yet I really can’t change myself too much. There are things that I am still afraid of letting people know, and I don’t think things would change too fast too soon. A 5-year-old kid would have explained their feelings better than I ever could, even though I would be able to describe the formation of the planets in ways they would not understand.
I hope my boyfriend understands this.
He loves me more than I could ever ask for. He treats me like a princess even when he is not around me. I really, really feel loved. There were times when I plunged into my sadness that consumed me every now and then and he would hold me and sit by me. I wouldn’t talk and I wouldn’t sleep and I wouldn’t eat, yet he always stayed and hugged me and really, that was all I needed. I really appreciate all the things that he has done for me and all the times that he has stayed because of me. It is true that we don’t talk as much as we should be, but I don’t think we need to, even though I miss him so terribly much sometimes and I wish that he would have some free time to talk to me.
There will be times, I guess, that I will not be able to channel the energy that brings the people around me up a notch. There will be times when I will pull my knees in and cry like a baby. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I am still looking for a place to go, or that I have already found the place. I don’t know what I am here for, and I don’t know where I want to go, yet there are so many things that I have to plan for. There are times when I believe that I have to change for the better, but in the end, I will still be the same.
Good or bad, I really hope, that I can be loved for who I really am.