I was tracing the sides of my phone as the messages flow in. I read every word he wrote as my heart sank deeply to a place where no one would be able to retrieve.
I didn’t have anything to say.
Our pain, our reality, our relationship. I have faith in us. I believe in the way we love. I believe in the way the world loves us, but there is a catch to everything that we have. We are stripped off a freedom that we never have.
In an era that technology moves and improves faster than the evolution of a bacteria, we are trying to move out from a culture that we are born into, a culture that teaches us to suppress ourselves and learn to be someone who we are not just to be more agreeable. We are taught since a young age a lot of things, yet without being given a reason why. Very few of us would know how it is like to fight for something that we are not. Our gender, our sexuality, our nationality, our name, our religion, all of these, are determined for us, without teaching us what are the meanings of each of these. As we grow up, we will spend our entire lives defending for something that we never chose.
I fell for a boy who does not have the choice to love me. I fell for a boy who looks at me deep into my eyes, and appreciating every part of me, even the ones that I hate. I fell for a boy who kisses me with his heart to his lips, who holds my body like a temple, who remembers the smell of the nape of my neck, who admires my physiques as if it was too sacred to be dealt with too roughly. I fell for a boy whose eyes are a deep dark down, whose voice is a spell. I fell for a boy, just a boy, for who he is, because the days when we spent together, we didn’t need anything from each other our happiness was made by our presence.
This boy is born in the wrong place, in the wrong century, in a world that he doesn’t belong. He is as wild as a lion, as ambitious and as daring as the Icarus, as smart as Athena, and as beautiful a person as who he is. His boldness is, however, held back by the culture that he is born into. There isn’t anything wrong with living and believing in a culture that he is born into, yet his potential, his happiness that he seeks is being taken away him, with him knowing. He is too smart to not realize that things that are being taken away from him right in front of his eyes. We both know it.
“My happiness is not as important.”
“Your happiness is the only that matters in your life.” I would argue.
“I will burn myself, I will set myself on fire,” his eyes have a color so dark that it burns a hole through me, “if it means keeping my parents and the people I love happy.”
“That is not fair! That is not fair because you are living your life. No one else is. I understand your gratitude to all that you have now and that you feel that you owe all these things to the people that made you. But this is your life, your happiness depends on you and no one else. We really aren’t getting anything out of life except for the experience, the moments, and the ones that will stay with us for a very, very long time are the ones that mean a lot to us, with the people that matter to us. Your parents are great people, but it is just not right to hold you down because it makes them feel better, because they want to protect something that doesn’t exist.”
“You don’t understand,” he would always say, “because you are not born in my place.”
His eyes, such a beautiful color, yet so much worry, so much sorrow, so much fear. I say that I would fight for him, and he has said that he would, but I know so surely that his love and gratitude to his family are greater and stronger, that he would give us up if it means keeping his family together. I know he would, and I would be sad, definitely, but the sadder part, the saddest part, is not us breaking apart, but him, compromising to a life.
“Please,” I beg silently, “you can’t just get wet in the rain, you have to feel the rain, you have to dance in the rain.”
He is defending something that is given to him without ever giving him a choice. I disagree with his actions, yet it is his choice that he has made – to protect the people that he loves, and there isn’t anything wrong in his actions, but it hurts me to watch him lose his colors as time goes by because he needs to grow up, because he needs to be responsible.
No, baby, you don’t.
You don’t have to please everyone, even if those people are the people that you have loved deeply and truly. You don’t have to give up anything because it makes someone else happy. This world is a little bit too messed up, don’t you think? We are born, we are alive, yet we worship the dead, we listen to the dead, and the voices of the people who are alive are hardly heard, just like your voice. What are we really trying to protect? Why are we trying so hard to live a life that restrain us from experiencing all the good things in this world? Why are we walking on a fine line, and ending up with a life that ends with a whole line of fine? Why can’t we choose to do the things we want to, of course, with rationality and emotions? As mentioned, very few people what it is like to defend and be someone we are not when choices are made in the very first place.
We are humans. We are supposed to be the species with a higher intelligence. Why are we acting like fools? I wish there is a huge mirror, hung on the sky, to show everyone a reflection of themselves, to think on their actions, and to learn and unlearn who we really are.
We are humans. We are taught to have a voice, yet when we speak out our minds too much, we are detested because truths are often concealed and swept under the carpet.
We are humans. We are supposed to be smart, so why can’t we understand the meaning of life, the meaning of love? Why are we constantly hurting the people we love?
Why is it so hard to be human?
Why is so hard to have a choice? Why is it so hard to learn and understand this world? Why is it so hard to love? Why is it so hard to hold everyone’s hands?
Why is it so easy to judge? Why is it so easy to despise? Why is it so easy separate humans based on our skin color? Why is it so easy to oppress or suppress the weaker ones? Why is it so easy to pretend that everything is alright?
This is not right.
I want to shout at him.
Yet, what is really right? What is really wrong?